help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think your dad took our porno
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Randomize
