Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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