it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
