i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
