i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Houston, we have a squirter
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
