I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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