Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Drunk is not a location!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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