When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
