96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
