i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
from now on my penis is your penis
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
