Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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