Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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