Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
