I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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