can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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