i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
