Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
