I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
