i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
