Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
