I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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