I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
