Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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