I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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