I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
