I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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