Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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