You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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