Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Randomize
