I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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