Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
