i can't believe i had my finger in that
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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