apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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