you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
