i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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