I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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