This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
