sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize