In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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