I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
