Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
