a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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