Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
no you cant smoke seaweed
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize