Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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