Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
