why do cheetos always look like penises
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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