Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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