He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
