The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
