Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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