The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize