Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
