I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
