Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
