My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
it was like eating out sand paper
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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