Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
